| Author | Comment | ||
|---|---|---|---|
 spectroid |
|||
|
Posts: 2415 (02/22/09 10:08 AM) Chief Master At Arms |
A guy walks into a bar in Ann Arbor and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a real good U of Michigan joke. Baartender points to two guys in the corner and
says that they were linebackers for the Wolverines, the big guy at the end of the bar was captain of the wrestling team, and he, the bartender graduated from
there. "Do you still want to tell that joke?" he asked.
"Naw, I don't want to have to tell it four times."
Name withheld by request .
|
||
|
railway |
You could hear a PIN Drop | ||
|
Posts: 35 (02/22/09 07:21 PM) |
You could have heard a pin drop
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Condi Rice was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush. She answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE... Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it. 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.' You could have heard a pin drop.
How easy they forget!!!!
Jones IC 3
'66-67 Looking for ICmen shipmates of that time Holiday Cheers to All |
||
|
Ray Andersen |
|||
|
Posts: 5268 (03/30/09 10:33 AM) Chief Master At Arms |
Church Humor
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her
class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked
the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed
silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny,
do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could
he, with just two worms?'
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her
children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher
Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out,
'Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED
SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother
what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God
sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to
the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he
radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the
way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her
young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a
month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is
my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old
boy, 'Your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter
noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that
his daughter was so observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'So, how come He doesn't?' she
asked.
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday,
there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his
prayers every night.
'Yes, sir.' the boy
replied.
'And, do you always say them in the
morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I
ain't scared in the daytime.'
EQUAL REPRESENTATION
When my daughter, Kelli, said her
bedtime prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every pet, current and past.
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'All girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always
finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little
Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our
prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy
replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother
insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny
explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
|
||
|
Ray Andersen |
The ranchers widow | ||
|
Posts: 5296 (04/07/09 08:14 AM) Chief Master At Arms |
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so
she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring
it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday
night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks"
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)
|
||
|
ArtNH |
Things I've learned as I've gotten older |
||
|
Posts: 1172 (11/05/09 03:15 PM) Admiral of this Navee |
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs". Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then, you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Trust me.
Art
|
||
