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ArtNH

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Posts: 1005

(07/02/08 02:36 PM)

Admiral of this Navee

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns telling their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, 'So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?' The pirate replies, 'We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off.'

'Wow!' said the seaman. 'What about your hook'?

'Well', replied the pirate, 'We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off.'

'Incredible!' remarked the seaman. 'How did you get the eye patch'?

'A seagull dropping fell into me eye,' replied the pirate.

'You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,' the sailor asked incredulously.

'Arrrrgh,' said the pirate, 'it was the first day with me hook.'

Art

Ray Andersen

LATIN-- the dead language

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Posts: 4210

(08/04/08 10:19 AM)

Chief Master At Arms

Useful Latin Terms

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
Translation: When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
Translation: I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

PS----All I can say is I think I have been in the woods TOO long!

Ray Andersen

Portland,Maine

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Posts: 4211

(08/04/08 10:43 AM)

Chief Master At Arms

Ten Dollahs

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."

and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."

Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!

fortbruce

...And that's when the fight started!

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Posts: 876

(08/05/08 09:53 AM)

Buffalo Bruce

When I got home last night my wife demanded I take her somewhere expensive.....so I took her to the gas station.....

...and that's when the fight started!

**********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security, The woman behind the counter asked for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked for my wallet but realized I'd left it at home. I said that I was sorry and that I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I unbuttoned my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home I excitedly told my wife about my experience. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too." ...

...And that's when the fight started!

**********************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at her table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?''

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking after we broke up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God! " says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!" ...

...And that's when the fight started!

****************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we are along side the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed that little things just seem extra funny to you. Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted...."I am NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, which one ARE you?" ...

...And that's when the fight started!

Guitarget

What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond? Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Posts: 156

(08/08/08 01:39 AM)

Ain't it the truth!

Ray Andersen

Duck Joke

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Posts: 4310

(09/03/08 06:52 AM)

Chief Master At Arms

This duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we have no bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we haven't got any +*%$!$% bread. This is a pub not a bakers."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, are you f*cking deaf or daft? We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating little sh!t."

(Pause)

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman:"No"

(Pause)

Duck: "Got any bread?

Ray Andersen

Submariner's watch

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Posts: 4311

(09/03/08 06:58 AM)

Chief Master At Arms

The Submariner's Watch

A Submariner walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Submariner explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Submariner smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Ray Andersen

Marine Private Don

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Posts: 4312

(09/03/08 07:04 AM)

Chief Master At Arms

Generally Speaking

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private Don snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but Private Don wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

Private Don didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

Private Don glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

Private Don simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Ray Andersen

One Marine

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Posts: 4313

(09/03/08 07:12 AM)

Chief Master At Arms

One US Marine

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune........
"One US Marine is better than ten Iraqis"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then silence. The voice then calls out........

"One US Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again............

"One US Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis"

The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, & machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander.........

"Don't send any more men..... it's a trap.........there's two of them"

heavycruiser

A true joke

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Posts: 6227

(09/03/08 08:44 PM)

A good one. And it is true.

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